Relationships Anonymous
Cynnamon Schreinert
When I least expect it, a thought will come into my mind and I’ll be reminded of him. I try to push it aside, only to have his image come back into play twenty seconds later because I heard part of a song playing once when we were together. He would never remember this sort of detail. That was the kind of relationship it was.
Never balanced. One person carried all the weight, trying to make things work. It was difficult.
But not any more difficult than this.
My resolution is to erase someone from my life so I stop thinking of him, stop pining for him, stop running when he calls. It’s only been two days, but so far I’m on a good roll. I haven’t tried to call him. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve thought of him. But I haven’t picked up the phone and dialed.
Good for me.
The withdrawal of leaving a person is equivalent to withdrawing from hard-core drug usage. You have a dependency. You crave their image, the fantasies, the touch, the illusion. Once you’re high and you’re with them, it feels great, but then you start to come down a little. As soon as the person is gone, the high fades; the only thing you can think of is how to get more. How to get them back? How to see them one more time?
Withdrawing from a lover—like withdrawing from a drug—is not easy.
Ever.
In fact, to assist myself with this, I’ve decided to wean myself off all men for a short time. Nothing compares to the solitude and peace following your own drum brings. Of course, I say this knowing deep down inside what I want is a partner; a person who I can carry on through life with. Someone who is there when times are tough and there to celebrate with when times are good. I believe it’s a central desire we all have, seeking to complete ourselves with a soul mate or life partner.
Withdrawal comes from the awareness this person will never be that person in your life. Through their own issues and struggles, we determine they will never be able to give to someone—to you—like you need.
It’s a confusing time. To love someone so much when all they do is cause you pain. It makes me nauseous just thinking about it. All that unrequited love—where will it go?
When you’re involved in a relationship like this you think you will never get over it. Things will never go back to normal. You will not be able to get through a day thinking things will never happen with this person.
It’s still early in the withdrawal process. Of course I feel like this, of course I’m having these feelings. We aren’t even talking about 48 hours yet!
My grandfather was in Alcoholics Anonymous. I remember seeing the Serenity prayer around the house and this one sticker on the phone. It was on a white background and the letters were written up with a rainbow through them. One day at a time. That’s what it said. I always wondered about that.
I get it now.
Don’t try to think I’m going to forget about him for an entire month. Today I am going to not think about him or make any effort to contact him. Today I am going to work out. Today I am going to sit down and write. And just like that, doing it one day at a time, you realize it’s been a week, and then eventually a month goes by.
I’ve been through heartache before. You think it will never leave you. You think this is the person you will never get over. Funny that. Don’t you find you always end up getting over the person? You haven’t died of a broken heart. You might have been really sick, but you haven’t died from it.
I can do this. It's Day Two. I find comfort in the words of the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
The change, I realize, is about me.