Recipe for a Lost Wallet
Sara Bynoe
Pre-drink:
Find leftover martini mix in fridge from two nights ago - one litre.
Drink martini mix on the bus to friend Joe’s place in Kitsilano.
At Joe’s:
Meet Joe’s rock star friends
Drink Canadian Club and Coke
Do triples for alliteration.
Mission Pre-drink accomplished.
Assume mission drunk.
Stumble –somehow- the bus? A cab? Did someone drive?
To the Roxy Burger on Granville.
Mission Drunk.
Location: The bar.
One shot of Jager
One gin and tonic.
-And because they’re rock stars-
One more shot of Jager.
Link arms with Joe.
Walk to Media Club.
Ask “What’s your friend’s band called?”
BLACK OUT
Media Club Bouncer:
“Honey, it’s time to go home”
Actual time:
10:41 p.m.
BLACK OUT
In Taxi:
“I’m not going to puke in your cab!”
BLACK OUT
In Bedroom: 3 a.m.
Find self half-dressed in bed.
Thankfully your own.
Go to bathroom.
Roommate:
“Are you ok?”
You:
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
Roommate:
“Are you sure?”
You:
BLACK OUT
3 minutes later:
Drink water.
Fully undress.
Go back to sleep.
Wake up: 8 a.m.
Realize wallet is gone.
Wonder why there is grass in your hair.
Call Visa.
Get filled in by roommate:
-Passed out in bushes.
-Neighbor brought you into building.
-Vomited for an hour.
Retrace steps.
Find wallet in a puddle of puke.
Visa still there.
Rejoice.
Call Visa back.
They understand.
Memory returns...
Check cell phone outgoing calls.
See the name of your crush in list.
Check time.
1 min 45 seconds.
Think that’s enough time to leave a pretty stupid message.
Hang head in shame.
Wait a week.
Repeat.